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I’ve had an incredibly productive past few days – it’s Monday, and I’ve been practically working nonstop on Workflow bug fixes since Wednesday. All day, every day, including the weekends. I took a 1-3 hour breaks here and there, usually at the book ends of the day, but I’ve still been focused. It feels very rewarding to churn things out. Responding to messages and emails have taken a backseat as of late.

After a long day of work, I took the late bus home tonight and I decided to try to sleep for an hour before resuming work when I got home. A nice break. I put on In Colour by Jamie xx and tried to fall asleep. I couldn’t, naturally, but I was able to sit for 30 minutes with my eyes closed. At the beginning, of course, my mind was racing, but eventually I found calm. I fell into the music, and I saw some great visuals. Clouds and colored smoke, dancing in front of my eyelids.

When I opened my eyes, I focused in on how beautiful the world is at night. Zipping along the freeway, passing under monochrome overpasses, looking out over the valley of twinkling lights that is San Francisco. Everything is so quiet, so lonely, so lovely.

The bus passed the Century Theatres in Daly City and all of the sudden my mind is ablaze. Every time I see that place, my mind flashes back to the summer of 2013, when my dad moved with me to San Francisco. I was only 16 at the time and my dad and I didn’t have much to do because neither of us had many friends out here. We enjoyed going to the movies together, and would drive down south to the Century. I’m reminded of his love, and all of the sacrifices he has made for me – and not just him, my mom too. Thinking about the love my parents have for me always brings tears to my eyes, and now I’m crying on the bus.

I don’t like that I need to remember how much my parents love me. I don’t want to have to remind myself. I wish I was constantly aware of that fact. I worry that my memory is poor, and that love is tied so deeply to the memories I have. If I lose my memories, do I lose their love? The less time I spend remembering, the more I will forget. I cry some more.

I take a step back – why am I having a rush of emotions right now? Have I been suppressing them, walling them off? Am I out of touch with my emotions, my close friends, the people I love? Is that what these past few days have actually been? Is being focused and productive at odds with my emotions? Is being levelheaded and calm, one of my strengths, actually just a euphemism for being emotionally detached? Is it one of my weaknesses? I cry even more.

The release of emotion feels good, like a knot inside of me being unwound. Perhaps these past few days of work have just been stressful. Perhaps I’ve just been taking work too seriously. In any case, I feel incredible now, especially with banya from last night.